Although obviously a satiric article and April’s Fool joke about Sasquatch, this text is nonetheless from the US Forest Service:
Loss of Space Threatening North American Sasquatch
Posted by Tiffany Holloway, Office of Communication, U.S. Forest Service in Forestry, 2017
“The habitat to one of America’s greatest legends may be at risk.” – Thaddeus Guttenberg, U.S. Forest Service, Mythical Wildlife Division. Photo Credit: Mary Horning, U.S. Forest Service.
There are many reasons the U.S. Forest Service conserves open space. It allows us to deliver clean water, provide space for recreation activities and maintain wildlife habitat for a variety of creatures – most notably the North American Sasquatch.
While most people believe the Sasquatch to be a thing of folklore and urban legend, researcher Thaddeus Guttenberg, with the U.S. Forest Service Mythical Wildlife Division, recently confirmed that Bigfoot is every bit as real as he is.
“We’ve been keeping his existence under wraps for years to protect his privacy,” said Guttenberg. “But because the country is losing more and more open space each day, we wanted to make it known that the habitat to one of America’s greatest legends may be at risk.”
Most people only know Bigfoot from the 1987 family classic, Harry and the Hendersons, and his recent work appearing in more than 40 beef jerky commercials. What people don’t know is that wasn’t just a guy in a suit – it was the actual hominid-like creature. But, despite his brushes, his Hollywood fame, the tall, dark and hairy creature has remained elusive.
Throughout the years, there have been more than 400 reported sightings just in the California area.
Since reports of his actual existence were confirmed by the Forest Service, many recreationists have spotted the ape-like creature. The first confirmed outdoor sighting on March 31 at 7:31 a.m. was by a group of teenage hikers in the Cleveland National Forest in California. They captured several great photos of the beast … but like most evidence over the years … the images mysteriously vanished.
The second sighting was at the Okanogan-Wenatchee National Forest in Oregon March 26 at 10:31 p.m.
The anonymous eyewitness said that he was capturing fireflies with his two kids when he heard a loud rustling sound. Then he noticed a hairy figure step out of the trees. He frantically searched for his night vision binoculars and saw that it was no bear.
“That thing, Bigfoot or Sasquatch, whatever you want to call it was huge and scary,” said the witness. “I always thought Bigfoot was a myth. Too bad I didn’t have my video camera.”
The last sighting this week (that we know of) was by a camper at the Gifford Pinchot National Forest in California near Mount St. Helens Ranger District April 1 at 8:31 a.m. The eyewitness was collecting wood for a campfire when she noticed a huge structure that was shaped like a nest.
“There were several limbs woven together creating some type of dome,” said Mary Contrary. “I didn’t know what it was until I saw a few very large footprints by the structure. That’s when I knew it was a Sasquatch.”
Not known to many, Forest Service cameras have reported many credible Bigfoot images and sounds over the years.
So, the next time you’re viewing one of our “animal cams” streaming live on YouTube, pay close attention, because you just may see a glimpse of the giant creature.
With the confirmed existence of Bigfoot, the Forest Service has put together a few outdoor and recreation safety tips:
- Travel with a companion
- Think about your footing while traveling
- Wear appropriate clothing
- Check your equipment
- Learn basic first aid
- Make camp before dark
- Refrain from traveling with a Yeti, which is similar but also the natural enemy to the Sasquatch
Keep in mind that these tips are resourceful for any adventure you have at a National Forest, not just when you encounter a 9-ft tall Bigfoot.
For more information please visit, www.ThisWasAnAprilFoolsDayJoke.FS.Fed.US.
The part of the story that’s no joking matter:
An estimated 6,000 acres of open space are lost each day, a rate of 4 acres per minute. Looking ahead, the Forests on the Edge project estimates that 57 million acres of private forest lands could experience sizeable increases in housing density by 2030.
Public forests are also affected — the National Forests on the Edge publication estimates that 21 million acres of private rural lands near national forests and grasslands will experience substantial housing density increases by 2030.